dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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