I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
