I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think I died a long time ago.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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