omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
