My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Is Oprah even human
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
