I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
