This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
