Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
