lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
