FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
