how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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