btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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