the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
