All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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