Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
