that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
