her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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