I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
