If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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