I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
