She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
