I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So here I am, sexting at work.
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