this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
