You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
