I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
