So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
