I accidentally had phone sex last night
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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