i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I understand Curling. That high.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
