Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
