That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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