the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
