can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
