I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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