I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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