I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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