I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
