at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
