I've blown a few things in my day
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
