She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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