You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
