Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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