I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
