if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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