There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
