I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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