I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
