My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
