I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
