I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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