Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
