Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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