i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
