Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
