Screwed.edu
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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