this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
